Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Monday, April 28, 2008


Seeking a Harmony for All


Perspective and perception are everything. We all bring our own unique filters to any sensory experience that we have. Part of living harmoniously with others is through accepting that each individual possesses their own unique point of view. Accepting that each individual is a compilation of previous experiences will assist us in living harmoniously with one another. This harmony is often jeopardised when things like ego and desire for things that we falsely believe will give us happiness comes into play.

Regardless of the individual, all our needs are the same in a basic sense, even though we may not believe this to be true. For many, happiness is measured through successes. Though success is a wonderful thing, like an emotion, it is not something that can be sustained indefinitely as we interpret it. We distort our notions of success, whether through medals in the Olympic Games, or in regards to wealth and possessions.

True success is living harmoniously, compassionately and peacefully with others. Whether a wave or a ripple, all life is water in a metaphorical sea. We are all connected and our ultimate happiness lies in our ability to live harmoniously and mindfully of one another. Therefore, to create suffering against one is to create suffering against all. Equally, to create joy for one is to create joy for all. This is what really matters most in life.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Buddhist Ethics


I recently began reading "For a Future to be Possible: Buddhist Ethics for Everyday Life" by Thich Nhat Hahn. Contained within is what the author calls The Five Mindfulness Trainings. These five things are kind of like a Buddhist version of the Ten Commandments, with the premise being that, put into practice, one can endeavour to work toward a good life that helps our planet holistically. It is a well worthwhile read and I will personally commit time in my daily meditation practice to think through these things and try to adjust my life accordingly. The Five Mindfulness Trainings are also serving as the cornerstone in the sangha that is being formed by me and a few of my dear friends.

Being a teacher affords me a wonderful opportunity to put forth the teachings that I am reading. There is nothing subversive in any of the lessons. My purpose is to teach my students to love and show compassion to all things while drawing an awareness to their being. I teach special needs children at the junior high school level, but must stress that these students possess insight and are capable of profound pronouncements.

In this morning's Language Arts classes I posed the following question to my students: "Why do you think society sometimes uses violence as entertainment? Explain your answer." After having the kids write a response, I opened the floor up to discussion. I was amazed by some of the statements that these students made. For example, they differentiated between instinctive violence in the context of "fight or flight" and "learned" violence. They also made the observation that "violence" is "violence" regardless of whether it is in the context of a movie, mixed martial arts bout, school yard brawl or car bomb in Iraq, and therefore violence can never be a good thing. Perhaps we are stretching things when we associate violence in movies or rap music to violence on the streets. One might argue that a normal person can distinguish between real violence and the controlled violence of the cinema or WWE Wrestling. My point is that "normal" is a myth and therefore we ca not let the status quo rule our morality simply because more people prefer Coke over Pepsi.

Can we live a life with no violence? I don't know. I do know that violence has been a part of my life throughout, whether in the abuse dealt to me by my Mother growing up, the bullies who beat me up as a kid, my career in Rugby and as a Correctional Officer, my enjoyment of contact sports in general, years of Martial Arts and my love of films. Part of me is haunted by the remains of PTSD spawning from the physical and psychological abuse I suffered as a child, augmented by five years in a maximum security prison, while the other part of me enjoys films such as "Pulp Fiction" and "The Godfather". We are complex beings. Perhaps we can live and still enjoy these things, but I wonder if that enjoyment is in the spirit of a smoker who really enjoys sitting in the sunshine, smoking with a nice cup of coffee – we know that our actions are causing damage, yet there is a perceived pleasure in our dependence on such things. I suppose that this remains up to the individual to decipher for themselves.

With that I will close. The rest remains up to the reader to make their own way and to question…

Namaste.

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

Community Spirit


I have been generally a solitary person throughout my life. This solitude has tended to dominate my spiritual journey as well. My reasoning for this has been based in my past experiences with group politics, insincerity and whatnot. This came up today in a conversation with my wife and our good friends with whom we are setting up a sangha, in regards to feelings associated with joining a spiritual group. All those involved in the discussion raised some interesting and valid thoughts…

It's interesting how certain things appear at certain times in our lives. I am presently reading "The Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coelho. Upon taking the book up where I had left off reading, just after the aforementioned discussion, I came across the following passage:

"…groups are very important because they force us to progress. If you're alone, all you can do is laugh at yourself, but if you're with others, you'll laugh and then immediately act. Groups challenge us. Groups allow us to choose our affinities. Groups create a collective energy, and ecstasy comes more easily because everyone infects everyone else.
Groups can also destroy us, of course, but that's part of life and the human condition – living with other people. And anyone who's failed to develop an instinct for survival has understood nothing of what the Mother is saying
."

Teachers do appear along in our journey. Both my friend's wisdom combined with the quoted passage above has illuminated my path a bit clearer and I am advancing upon it with conviction and optimism. I am grateful for them.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

A Sacred Balance Sought


I've been preparing myself to participate in my first ever pagan ritual on the full moon tomorrow. A pagan friend has honoured me by consenting to perform a ritual on the full moon tomorrow, during which I hope to discover my animal totem. In addition to procuring tobacco and sweetgrass as offerings, I am not permitted to eat meat, drink alcohol or have sex for three days leading up to the ceremony. I am looking forward to the experience as I have read some on Wicca and, according to my results on the Belief-o-matic, the neo-pagan beliefs are very much in line with my personal values and ideas.

Much of what I read on Buddhism and Hinduism has suggested a purification of the self: nothing in excess, no smoking, simple vegetarian diet, etc. In fact, most religions seem to support such notions. The health benefits of clean living make sense in terms of maintaining overall physical health of the body, and, ultimately, I can see a direct correlation to mental health, ergo spiritual health. Still it raises questions about purity.

Our world is toxic. The food we eat – even if organically grown – possesses toxins, has been genetically modified and so forth. One may ask, on the one hand, why would one add fuel to the fire through the addition of other toxins, but, on the other hand, why not? There is part of me that agrees with the statement that "if it feels good then it probably is." I am a pretty clean living fellow. I eat a pescatarian diet, don't smoke, consume small amounts of alcohol and have never taken any sort of illegal drug. There was I time that I would have argued that if someone enjoyed smoking, then that was their choice and, so long as you don't subject others to your second hand smoke. Likewise, if you enjoy drinking or the odd joint, that's your business so long as it isn't an addiction and you are not doing things under the influence that will harm others whether we are talking about violence, operating a motor vehicle, etc. I think, however, that I am overestimating individual's self control and therein lies many of the social issues stemming from the use of such things.

Ultimately, we can not escape the fact that everyone and everything in this world is interconnected. Outside of social and health issues around our favourite vices, we must also examine the land used to procure such things – land that might have been used to grow food instead of barley or tobacco. Is this carelessness on our part or something we might justify? Could we argue that land and food is appropriate to our needs, but our population and consumption levels are being irresponsible? Then there are all the corrupt and illegal factors looming in the background whether it's mega-corporations or organised crime.

I don't know.

This all keeps me coming back to the whole pleasure issue. Life should be an experience of the senses in many ways, but what is good and what is not good?

Sex is another issue. Society is obsessed with sex. There is a magic associated with intercourse that results in procreation on the one hand, earning this act its sacred aura. On the other hand, sex is a simply physical act that stimulates nerve endings and creates sensations. All other ideas around sex have been fabricated by humankind. If it wasn't for our monogamist perspective that dominates our society, could we not view sex like any other physical act? Perhaps the free loving hippies of the 1960's had a point. But again, sex, like alcohol and drugs can become abusive.

Even on a spiritual level, there are religions who have used drugs to obtain a higher level of consciousness such as the Rastafarians, and those who have condemned drug usage as it could limit the amount of spiritual awareness cultivated by the individual. Tobacco was used ceremonially by the Native American Indians, long before all the chemical additives that have created the addictive weed we have in our world today. Monks are the main developers of alcoholic beverages such as beer and wine, and we can not ignore the whole transformation thing pertaining to Holy Communion. Ultimately, there are spiritual links to many of our vices, just as there are many spiritual arguments against such things. Perhaps the line has grown fuzzy through lessened self-control on behalf of individuals and raised awareness surrounding physical health and addictions. Perhaps it is a lack of respect and indulgence in these things that has caused them to move from the sacred to the sacrilegious. I am only raising questions for contemplation, not making a case either way. I can see the meditative side of smoking tobacco as you follow the beautiful pattern of the breath as it leaves the body and connects to the environment around us, but I also see a potentially fatal, addictive drug that lessens one's ability to enjoy the limits of their lungs through physical exertion. I enjoy the feeling after having one or two drinks, but I can also see the domestic violence, drunk drivers and cirrhosis of the liver associated with alcohol. I can understand the relaxed feeling someone might gain from a toke, but also see the violence of organised crime and additives like meth to the marijuana on our streets.

Ultimately, I am seeking the sacred in a world where nothing is sacred and everything is abused. I alluded to the genetic modification of our food, the chemicals added to our water and the general toxicity of civilisation. It is not my place to instruct others how to live, but it is my responsibility to contemplate how I live. We can only be responsible for our selves. This is not an easy undertaking.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Missive on Gratitude


At the beginning of this year I commenced keeping a gratitude journal. Our mind and perceptions within are reflected in our attitude toward life – positive or negative. Part of my resolution for this year was to endeavour to create a more optimistic, positive view of daily matters. There are volumes written on the benefits of cultivating such a perspective ranging from the power of positive thinking attracting positive things ("The Secret" has sold millions based on this simple notion), to overall better health and improved relationships with others. The journal is easy enough to get going: buy a nice little book, and each day write down five things for which you are grateful. In the early days one finds little difficulty finding things for which to be thankful. As one persists, however, finding things causes you to really examine your life and all that you have going for you. I try never to repeat anything and, no matter how my day has been going, I can always find something to fill in each of the five daily things. The result is a volume full of things, large and small, for which I am grateful and is representative of my life overall.

Exercises like this are important steps in one's personal growth and self-knowledge. Personally, I feel humbled by it all. In fact, this, combined with my personal spiritual journey, has opened my eyes to how ego and arrogance has permeated my worldview. Rarely have I ever felt content in my life. Continually I am wanting to do more – especially in the areas of travel, retreats, getting my Yoga teaching certification, read... As enlightening as these pursuits may be, they are really excessive to one's true basic needs. I have had the good fortune to travel to some 25 countries in my life, study in many different forms and have a career, beautiful home, family… How can it be that I am discontented while there are many people in this world whose reality is extreme poverty, illness or living against the background of totalitarian governments or armed conflict? Much of my thinking is a direct by-product of being raised in a First World country. By nature, this lends to very self-absorbed individuals such as my self. Mine is a culture where we can hear a news report of a hundred deaths in a car bombing in Iraq on the radio, and then complain that our tax dollars are being used to build a new arena for our local professional hockey team. It is a culture where we don't think twice about dropping $50 on a designer t-shirt while in other countries babies are dying of starvation.

Part of me realises that I needed to have the experiences that I have had – the books that I have read, the places I've been – to develop into the person that I have become. I have become awakened to many of these issues and, as a teacher, am able to increase the awareness of others. Perhaps there is a dichotomy of nobleness and selfishness that causes me to want to travel more, become a Yoga teacher, etc., so that I can then teach others and become a greater force for positive change in the world. Or is this a manifestation of ego? I don't know. I don't believe that we should live in self-imposed poverty or force suffering for the sake of identifying with the world's less fortunate. Perhaps it is through using my position in the world to effect greater change. It is truly difficult to say.

Much of what I read in the volumes about Buddhism, Hinduism, etc. all speak to how one's journey does not truly become ugly until one begins in earnest. This alludes not only to the pain in the legs suffered through seated meditation, or the challenge of a yoga asana, but rather to what begins to illuminate when you begin shining the light inward. I can see a road to nirvana when I truly become homogeneous with those things that I am reading of. The difficulty is moving beyond the intellectual concepts into a state of mindfulness being. For example, I completely embrace the idea of death as explained through these perspectives – that life is a constant cycle of life and death. Still, there is part of me that wonders, when my "mortality" is on the line, will I be at peace with this idea as I am at present with the intellectual concept? I suppose mindfulness training tells me not to look that far into the future and to concern myself only with the present. After all, worry, though seeming at times like action, is in fact nothing in affecting change, and thus pointless. Again, balance or finding nirvana is when these notions are no longer intellectualisations, and simple are that which they are.

For this moment I am grateful.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Buddhism's Three Jewels & Starting a Sangha


Another working week is winding down, the hours of daylight are stretching further into the evenings and life is good. I find that I am putting into practise, more and more each day, those things that I have been reading about in various writings including the Bhagavad Gita, Buddhist and Yoga. Further to this, I am sharing much of what I am reading more and more with my students. I am particularly focusing on messages of non-violence and mindfulness. In fact, at the beginning of the week, I explored the issue of depression with my Health class. Even though I prattled on for most of the period, the students seemed to be listening to what I had to say. I am truly privileged to have the opportunity to address the minds of young people on a daily basis.

Even though most of my students are special needs youths whom many would not expect a whole lot from, I see beautiful human beings, each making their contribution to the greater whole that is our world. I am very fortunate to share in their gifts and the lessons that they teach me. Teacher is my work title, but I am also a student. Teachers appear throughout our lives, though many do not possess Education degrees. Teachers may appear as friends or foes, in Nature or in the printed word. A wise individual once commented on how one develops a better understanding of something when they have to teach it, and I've found this to be true. Not only do we require a profound understanding of that which we seek to teach well, but we must also be trained observers when we present our lessons into the classroom as students and their insight's can oftentimes be more illuminating than anything we ever thought we knew.

Up until this point in my life, my practise of Buddhism (augmented with sprinkles of Pagan, Taoist and Hindu notions) meditation and Yoga has been a solitary one. I began reading books on the subject back in the mid 1990's, and took my first Yoga classes in 1999. Since that time, my library shelves and magazine racks are bursting with books on the aforementioned subjects, I've visited a western meditation class off and on at a local Buddhist temple, taken classes in a variety of Yoga styles and maintained a fairly disciplined Yoga and meditation practise at home. My wife has been on her own spiritual journey, but not really been a part of my practise until recently. It wasn't until my friendship with my massage therapist, a likeminded fellow, blossomed that any sense of external practise began to take shape. Now, my therapist, his wife, my wife and all our children have become very good friends, and we are making plans to start our own sangha.

In Buddhism, there are what are known as the three jewels: Buddha, dharma and sangha. Buddha refers to the awakened Buddha mind which is present in all things, dharma refers to the teachings of the Buddha and sangha refers to the community of 'awakened' people within which one builds their spiritual practise and takes action in the world. The three jewels are what a Buddhist practise is comprised of.

My personal reasons for resisting the latter of the three jewels – the sangha – are manifold. For one, I am a fairly solitary person. I enjoy intimate gatherings over coffee or a drink, but have never been one for large groups of people. Secondly, because of the Hindu, Pagan and Taoist influences in my own practise, I do not think that I would feel like I really fit in to many groups. In the minimal experiences that I have had with various Western meditation groups, I just don't feel that I am coming at things in the manner of the majority of group members. Thirdly, I dislike dogma and politics. The sad truth is that very few established groups are without these things. As much as we may seek freedom from our egos, it still tends to creep into our psyches undetected. I accept this, and, therefore, have chosen the path that I am on.

This being said, I realise that my practise needs to extend beyond my yoga mat and meditation cushion. As Thich Nhat Hahn writes, we must be mindful in all that we do – this is how to truly live. Otherwise, if we go through our lives distracted, we are missing much of the sensory stimulation and beauty and not living our lives to the fullest. The time on my mat and cushion has not been wasted as it was a necessary period I required to prepare for the next portion of my life's journey. Now I must use my learning – things such as practising right view, right thinking, right mindfulness, right speech, right action, right diligence, right concentration, and right livelihood – in my daily life. To be truly effective in this, I feel that I do require a sangha that will truly charge my positive energy and make me a more effective part of the lives which I affect. I also believe that in building a sangha with my friends that we will be creating another force for good in the world. I also realise that I can not get attached to this sangha, nor idealise my friends – or them, me – as it may one day take on a life of its own and cause me to start anew. This is part of the constant change and impermanence that affects the present:

All conditioned things are impermanent.
They are phenomena, subject to birth and death.
When birth and death no longer are,
the complete silencing is joy

(Ekottara Agama 18)

This is something I meditate on regularly. It wasn't until I began reading Buddhist and Taoist writings that I figured out that the way I viewed life (and death) was limited. I ask those who think that I am rambling in New Age drivel to bear with me for a moment. The fact is that there is no life and no death. These words have limited our experiences in my mind. The fact – empirically speaking – is that "life" is a constant dance of life and death, with each begetting the other. As I write, cells in my body are dying and being created. Science tells us that the entire body changes completely every seven years in its composition. Hair and fingernails continue to grow when we have "died" according to conventional definitions. There was a time that the current rendition of me never existed, even though matter in the universe is finite, thus containing me before I was and will contain me long after I cease to be. Therefore, in the spirit of mindfulness, things simply are as they are in the present moment. In the next moment, all that now is will have passed.

Taking all of this for what it is still leaves us in need of perspective in the present. Suffering, caused by attachment, is a reality for many of us, whether for material things or our lives. Like the salmon struggling upstream, we often struggle against our attachments and our egos. The best guidebook I have found in this struggle lies in the Five Remembrances:

1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
2. I am of the nature to have ill-health. There is no way to escape ill-health.
3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand.

It is number 5 of the Five Remembrances that motivates my desire to form a sangha and to begin to be more forward with my learnings. There is a brilliant quotation, by Aristotle: "Where we are free to act, we are also free to refrain from acting, and where we are able to say No, we are also able to say Yes". Depending on our intent, action and inaction are equals. For example, inaction may be the best choice as a parent if a child is to learn a life lesson, but inaction to assist another in time of need is a bad thing. Likewise, action with selfish intent is worse than trying to do something nice for another which results in tragedy.

And so it goes. These words are a record of my thoughts in this moment, subject as well to change. I venture forth with an open heart and good intentions. I wish each of you well on your journeys, wherever the path may lead you. Keep your mind open and live from the heart and life will lead you to where you need to be. In the words of Gandhi: "be the change you want to see in the world"...

Namaste.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


Months Before Beltane and New Beginnings

Spring always fills me with hope and a renewed perspective on life. This year, that feeling seems to be intensified considerably. Perhaps this is due to the fact that we seem to finally be shaking the mantle of what was a frigid and snowy winter. Regardless, there are many new endeavours that await over the next 18 months or so.

To start, my wife and I traded in my ancient Sonoma in favour of a new Subaru Legacy. I am happy as this will be a much more environmental vehicle and, in spite of assuming hefty monthly payments, it is a vehicle that will facilitate lots of trips to the Rockies and elsewhere. For example, we are already making plans to drive down through Alberta and through Washington State and Oregon, checking out the old hippie communities and natural wonders along the way.

Travel is big in the near future for me as well. We are visiting England this summer to see my wife's family, and setting off for a week in Slovakia where I taught for a year many moons ago, in addition to a couple of days in Vienna. The last time I was in that part of the world was when Czechoslovakia was splitting in twain, and I am anxious to see how these beautiful places have changed since my last adventures there.

I might be visiting my friend in Philadelphia in August as well. This trip is a bit up in the air, however, due to budgetary restrictions (we also need a new furnace – this is Canada and the weather is rather nasty seven months out of the year!).

My spiritual journey continues to evolve. I am still on a vegetarian (…well, pescatarian) diet, doing yoga frequently, meditating and trying to apply what I've been reading to my daily life. Over the past while, I have become very good friends with my massage therapist and his wife. Being somewhat disenfranchised with the Buddhist temple that we frequent, we are contemplating the formation of our own sangha, based on the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn. My main issue with the temple here in town is that the people seem miserable and there is an incredible stoicism in the practise. I think a sangha should be a place of joy and be alive, not morose and pretentious. So, we are looking to set something up that is linked to the other Thich Nhat Hahn sanghas, and offer both a place to practise as well as do community based things like volunteer at the local soup kitchen, be the source of some environmental activism and have some decent discussions on various Buddhist and other related topics (we'd be open to pagans, Hindus, Sufis, etc.).

Still on the topic of forming a sangha, I am also quite interested in exploring some of the pagan traditions such as Wicca. As it happens, my aforementioned friend's wife (also a friend) is fairly knowledgeable about this stuff and I hope to do some ritual work with her. So many religions seem to put the human race in a separate compartment from the natural world, and this is half our problem. As the Bhagavad Gita teaches, and Rumi, Buddha, Jesus and the rest of the mystics of the past perpetuate: we are all connected – we reap what we sow, all is one. People are like cells in a body, to use a metaphor. We can be either health cells or cancerous ones. Ultimately, what we do affects everything else.

Lastly, on the personal development front, I have resolved to become a certified Iyengar Yoga instructor over the coming year. It just seems to be a natural path to follow, given where I find myself at present. My initial yoga indoctrination was in the Iyengar style, though I have practised Hatha, Moksha and some Ashtanga Yoga since. I also find that the Iyengar style works best for my particular body type. Eventually, I hope to offer classes or private instruction – a nice way to supplement my income during my summers off, doing something that I love and that is healthy for others and the planet.

Anyway, just sharing a bit of what has been happening with me. What I am doing these days just seems to be right for me. I don't believe in pushing others into doing what I'm doing – if you are a happy Atheist, Christian, Jew or Unitarian, good for you and may it fill you with joy. The reason I share my promulgating and reflections is merely a beacon to those out there seeking a path, so that they can choose to look into some of what a write about themselves, or to run away screaming – NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo! Life is an arduous journey. The more you try to gain insight and perspective, the harder that journey becomes. There is some truth that "ignorance is bliss", but insight can also be bliss. Life is beautiful. "Everything in life has its beauty, but not everyone sees it" is how Confucius put it I believe. What guides me are the words of Gandhi: "be the change you want to see in the world". We can only control the moment and our actions within it. What influences our choices can be the steps leading to the here and now, or perspectives on what the future might hold. If we act with an open heart and good intent, that is all we really need to do in many ways. Anyway you look at it, it may seem your only constant companion in life is your self, but that is just your ego's way of manipulating you. The fact is, in life we are never alone and, if our eyes remain open, a teacher will present itself to help you along the way.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. My Mother is in town from Nova Scotia, so I'd better go and entertain.

One final note, my Pagan friend is interested in jamming - she'll sing, I'll play guitar. How cool is that (not to mention the gift to the planet having me NOT singing!)

Namaste.