Sleep and the Supernova of Life


Two nights of complete sleep from 10 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. – not to speak too soon, but I think I've finally ended my battle with insomnia!

I watched a really good geology programme on CBC Newsworld last night with David Suzuki that focused on the Canadian Shield. They were dating rocks and geographic events dating back 3 billion or more years. During a commercial, my gaze wandered out my window - and I know it sounds cheesy - but I looked at a star and reflected on the millions of years that it took for that particular glimmer of light to reach earth. It really puts into perspective how minute the blip that is one's life is in the grand scheme of things, but also makes you feel special knowing that we are a miniscule speck of the overall greater continuum that is existence. We often hear death tolls and statistics in the news, or read of people in history, oblivious that their lives were as most likely as big of a deal to them as mine is to me… yet it is all so insignificant and fantastic at the same time.

Life is beautiful.

On Tea and Z's

Eureka! I slept solidly from 10 p.m. – 6 a.m. last night! Thought I’m sure that my insomnia is not yet cured, I have been getting more sleep. Fingers crossed. I think the Moksha Yoga helped – it certainly kicked my arse last night!

One of the first things I did on the road to addressing my insomnia was caffeine intake. I used to drink lots of coffee ( 6 cups a day usually + lots of black tea – wife is from England). Anyway, I’ve cut this almost out entirely, having the odd cup of coffee through the week, but switching mainly to herbal teas (green tea – 1 cup per day is the only caffeine I’m allowing myself here).

Anyway, I normally dislike herbal teas as I find them thin and flavorless, save for green teas. The best herbal tea I ever drank was made for me when I was living in Slovakia. One of my students was into homeopathy and would pick a and dry all the herbs herself and then make me various concoctions for whatever ailed me.

Not too long ago, however, I came across an American product called Yogi Tea which I quite like (they have a really cool web site: www.yogitea.com ). The teas are very flavorful and full tasting and come in several varieties. You can pick it up in some Canadian grocery stores and at moth health and natural food shops. Each teabag has a little message on the paper attached to the string. For example, on the Green Kombucha bag that is steeping in my mug as I write reads: “whatever you are doing is the most beautiful thing.”

Anyway, here’s to an energized day and dreams of a second solid night’s sleep tonight!

Namaste.

Nope, Not Last Night Again


Alas, another sleepless night last night – up by 4 a.m. I really thought I'd get a good night's sleep as I spent close to 90 minutes doing guided relaxation meditation before going to bed. All the research I'm doing into chronic insomnia is clearly showing me that it is my thinking about sleep that is probably the bulk of my issue (but, as I enter week 10 of sleeplessness not thinking constantly about sleep is like being locked in a box with a tiger and not worrying about whether he's hungry... bit like The Life of Pi, no?), anxiety and sleep apnoea are most likely secondary culprits. I'm frustrated but trying to remain optimistic. Most frustrating of all is that my doctor is on holidays until my appointment on March 10th.

I know my ruminations and… well whining… about my insomnia is hardly interesting, but then again, I don't think many folks read this blog anyway. Bit like when I did college radio…. am I simply sitting in this booth and talking to myself???

Anyway, I shall soldier on. Going to go to Moksha Yoga again tonight to see if that won't wring and boil the crap out of me and afford me some peace. Otherwise I'll be tempted to go to bed early if I stay home, and I know that will end in waking in the middle of the night for certain…

Sleepless, but I can still dream…. (insert violins).

Kite Running, Running Sweat and Running Off Thoughts


It would seem that the hot yoga class that I attended last evening had its desired affect. I laid my head down at 10 p.m. last night and slept solid until 4:45 a.m. This isn't ideal, but an improvement. So I have slept reasonably well the past two of three nights. I am hoping this is an indication of better times on the mattress to come…

For those of you who are interested in Yoga, I must say I am really hooked on this Moksha style. Essentially you do yoga in a heated room (roughly the temperature of a sauna). I lose at least 5-8 lbs in water each 90 minute class, but it opens and challenges the body unlike anything I've ever experienced. I use a space heater when I practise my Yoga at home, but the temperature in my area hovers around 23˚c as opposed to 45˚c. The affect on how deep I can go in my practice is vastly different and I feel the hot Yoga is beginning to spoil me.

I finished reading "The Kite Runner" last night. Definitely would recommend it. It's a bit predictable, but it also fosters a sense of gratitude for one's life. I oppose the war in Afghanistan in many ways. If I truly thought we could help the Afghan people being there, perhaps I would condone the violence as a defensive measure. My sister in law is presently serving over there with the British Army and I think of her often, and definitely support the brave men and women who are serving over there from all the Coalition nations. Ultimately I am a pacifist who believes that violence should only be used as a last resort to defend one's self, family or community (and yes, many will argue that Afghanistan is doing just that – my question to them is if you support the war, why haven't you enlisted and gone to fight yourself instead of relying on other people's children. Many folks joined the International Brigade to fight Franco's fascists in Spain after all!) I just don't see the present course of action as being a solution to fanaticism and tribalism. The more blood that is shed, the deeper entrenched the hatred becomes and this breeds a new generation to carry on the hate. Perhaps it's that I simply can't understand such hatred. Even working in a maximum security prison with inmates who had committed atrocities, my feelings were more oriented at eliminating the worst of the offenders (pedophiles rapists, etc.) to ensure the safety of society (I wouldn't put my child in a room with a grown lion, so why would I put a pedophile back into my child's community?). There were elements of disgust, but, ultimately, I believe that they should simply be eliminated so that they could no longer prey on the innocent. I know that capital punishment is not very Buddhist of me, but the execution of a pedophile, in my opinion, is the same as taking antibiotics to kill an infection and heal a body.

Wow, where did that come from?

Anyway, it's an overcast but temperate day here. Don't know what my daughter and I will do, but it's time to go and get cracking.

Wallowing in Sleepless Self Pity


After a fairly decent night's sleep on Thursday and a great day on Friday as a result, I returned to my insomniac ways last night and, again, feel like death warmed over. I even stayed up until 11 p.m., took a sleeping pill, but then was awake pretty much from 1 a.m. onwards. As I am turning 40 this year, I wonder if this might be related somehow to male menopause? This is week nine of my insomnia. I am finding it more and more difficult to deal with the frustration that this is causing me.

My next doctor's appointment is scheduled for a week from Monday, but I might try to get in earlier this week and see if there's anything he can give me. I'm taking immovane, valerian root and the odd rivitrol at bed time to no avail. This is in addition to the Paxil I take in the morning. Again, frustration aside, my anxiety levels have been fairly low and the symptoms of PTSD are minimal in the odd flashback.

I don't smoke, I'm not consuming alcohol, I've cut 99% of the caffeine out of my diet, I'm exercising regularly, doing yoga, meditation, eating a low fat vegetarian diet… None of this is making sense. In a purely empirical motivation, I feel like going to the corner store, buying a package of cigarettes, coming home, drinking a six pack and eating some potato chips while watching "Cops" on TV just to see if it makes a difference!

Alas, I know in my heart of hearts (and for my heart's sake as I'm certain this sleeplessness is putting pressure on my ticker and my cholesterol's up and white blood count was down in January). So, though my making too much of an effort may be the bane of my sleepless disposition, I have elected to go to a Moksha hot Yoga class tonight at 5 p.m. to see if that will sop the shit out of me enough that I might slumber a solid night through. I feel like puking I'm so tired now + it's probably a side effect of popping too many sleeping pills. This is fucking insane. I'm sounding like a whiner. I know the Buddhist thing would be to accept what is, but AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRgh! Give me strength!

And Then I Slept



I finally got a fairly decent night’s sleep last night and hope that this is a beautiful new relationship with my bed. I followed the advice of a colleague and stayed up late (for me), watching TV until 11 p.m. (I usually go to be at 9:30). I did wake up just after 3 a.m., but only briefly. I finally awoke for good at 5:45, just 45 minutes ahead of my alarm.

…This whole waking at 3 a.m. is interesting. I’m a big fan of the TV show Paranormal State (more out of a sense of B-movie spirit as opposed to belief – go to their web site at http://www.aetv.com/paranormal-state/ ), and they say that 3 am is the time the spirit world is most active. Perhaps there’s something subliminal at work today, or, logically, I being haunted by some demon or dark-man. Perhaps I’ll contact them at Penn State and get them to investigate….

But seriously though, it’s amazing how one night, though far from making up for my sleep deficit, lifts one’s spirit. A friend of mine sent me a mantra wishing me sleep and peace, so perhaps there’s a bit of karma working there.

…been getting rather mystic again. Perhaps I’ll visit the belief-o-matic again (you can do it too at http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html )to see if I’m spiritually morphing…. Been pretty heavily engaged in spirituality books as of late including “The Way of the Peaceful Warrior” series, a book on Ayurveda, Sufism and a slew of other self-help/ Buddhist writings….

So, to the Belief-O-Matic it is… Here’s my results:

1.
Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2.
Mahayana Buddhism (99%)
3.
Theravada Buddhism (93%)
4.
Neo-Pagan (92%)
5.
Liberal Quakers (90%)
6.
New Age (88%)
7.
Taoism (81%)
8.
Hinduism (72%)
9.
Secular Humanism (71%)
10.
Jainism (68%)
11.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (65%)
12.
Scientology (60%)
13.
Sikhism (59%)
14.
New Thought (56%)
15.
Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (53%)
16.
Orthodox Quaker (53%)
17.
Bahá'í Faith (49%)
18.
Reform Judaism (48%)
19.
Nontheist (43%)
20.
Seventh Day Adventist (26%)
21.
Orthodox Judaism (23%)
22.
Islam (20%)
23.
Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (20%)
24.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (20%)
25.
Eastern Orthodox (13%)
26.
Roman Catholic (13%)
27.
Jehovah's Witness (11%)

Parenting, Marriage and Mist Over Pathways


Almost my first month of vegetarianism behind me and I must say, in spite of the insomnia that has been afflicting me, I feel pretty healthy. I don't know if there is a link, but, back in the early 1990's when I was teaching in the former Czechoslovakia, I went veggie and it lasted close to three years. Throughout that time I hardly got sick with colds of flues, things that I am usually highly susceptible to. That was also when I lost a substantial bit of weight, dropping from 220 lbs to 185 lbs over a year. I presently weight about 210 lbs, but am carrying substantial muscle mass. I am hoping that with my Yoga, cardio and diet, that I will lean out again. Ideally I'd like to weight 190 lbs.

On the insomnia front, last night felt like I was going to have a good sleep. Admittedly, I took a sleeping pill, washed down with a wee dram of single malt and topped the whole thing of with Nyquil. Not a healthy choice I know, but, when you've been suffering like I have been, one becomes desperate. Anyway, my daughter came home with an ear infection yesterday, so my wife took her to the medicentre. As a result, daughter slept in bed and persisted to pull the covers off me and kick me all night, resulting in little sleep for either me or my wife.

Parenthood is the most incredible privilege one can ever have, but it also brings a heightened sense of gratitude around Mother's and Father's Day. Our marriage of 12 years is bloodied but unbowed with all the life stresses, compounded by the sacrifices that come with children and the fact that all my family lives in Nova Scotia and my wife's are all in England (save for her sister serving in the British Army in Afghanistan). It's really no wonder so many marriages end in divorce – especially amongst my peer group – call us Generation X or the Me Generation. You really need to foster tolerance and have deep rooted, common fundamental beliefs. Marriage is like selection camp for the special forces like the British SAS or U.S. Navy Seals. Many try but few succeed. I don't know how long my marriage will last as it goes through good and bad. Perhaps one day we'll just have had enough, or perhaps not. It's crazy to think that we choose life mates in our formative years – usually our 20's. People change so much. There is no fault in this, it is simply how things are. It's a pity divorces have to grow so ugly, if people would just say: hey, I loved you but we've simply changed too much and life would be happier on different, separate paths.

Though my quest through Buddhism and Yoga has probably made me more of a introspective head case than anything, it has been good in challenging my beliefs, attachments and sense of who I am. We wear so many masks throughout our lives that the actor becomes blurred. Still, we are the person when all the projection of image is stripped away and the only one who really needs to accept that person is one's self.

…See what this lack of sleep has done to me!

Namaste.

Still Sleepless....

The human body is amazing in it’s abilities to endure and be resilient. I have not had a solid nights sleep in nearly eight weeks now, save but perhaps three. The doctor abandoned me with anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications as they obviously were not working. Now I am on immovane, a blue sleeping pill. These manage to knock me out when I take one at 10 pm, but I am constantly waking up at 1 and 2 a.m. and require another one. After taking the second pill, my sleep is a pattern of being more awake than asleep, and I can’t seem to keep my eyes closed at all after 5 a.m. I can’t believe, give the duration of this insomnia, that I’ve not been sick and surprised at how well I am functioning through the days. Mostly, however, I a frustrated as I am practicing yoga and meditation, exercising, eating healthy and have cut caffeine and alcohol out of my daily consumption, save for a cup of green tea in the morning. Who knows, perhaps I’m on the path to enlightenment and simply haven’t recognized this yet. I’ve heard tales of Buddhist monks in Tibet who sleep very short hours, amongst tales of other people. All I know is I feel like crap and am frustrated. Teaching junior high special needs kids and having an active 5 year old at home doesn’t help matters much either.

….What is one to do????

Meditations on Love

It’s Valentine’s Day and a day upon which we should be reflecting on love. It’s almost criminal how this holiday has been usurped by crass commercialism. Through the whole gamut of consumerism or the prospect of being single on this particular day leads to much suffering as we allow desire and want to cloud our perspective on all the positive things that surround us in the moment. I would love to see Valentine’s Day become more of a love consciousness day where, rather than focus on romance, we focus on the unconditional power of love on a global scale. Unconditional love would do so much in raising our awareness of others, fostering compassion and working toward peace and acceptance of all things. True love is a harmonizing power. Sadly, our notions and understanding of love has become corrupted, clouded and confused. Love is the basis of all life and, if we all lived as an embodiment of love, then we would know boundless peace and happiness in our lives.

So, on this day, think beyond the chocolates, roses and jewelry and ask yourself “what exactly is love?” and “how would I benefit by acting with compassion and love in all my interactions with the environment?” With practice, the metamorphoses might simply be amazing.

Sleeplessness and the Trials of Awakening


The winter's frigid cold persists and is really weighing heavily upon my psyche. We have been down below -30˚C for a couple of weeks now, save two or three days where it warmed up almost to zero before taking a second arctic plunge. My only solace is that the forecast for the week ahead is for a warming trend and highs in the minus single digits.

Seeking balance from the cold, I went to a Moksha Yoga class yesterday with my wife and friend/massage therapist. Like Bikram Yoga, Moksha classes are conducted in hot studios and one tends to sweat a fair bit. Being a pitta body type who doesn't fair all that well with extreme heat, I was rather nervous going into this. I feared that the heat would stifle my breathing and, that being a central part of yoga practise – breath – making it for an experience rife in anxiety as opposed to de-stressing. This did not turn out to be the case and, though challenged, thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

On the subject of challenges, sleep continues to be the biggest issue in my life. Put another way, as my psychologist would say, my real issue is being awake. There's a wonderful book titled "The Worry Trap" by Chad Lejeune that my psychologist recommended to me and it sums me up in a nutshell. I am obsessed with getting a good night's sleep, so much so that it's most likely no longer the PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder that is keeping me awake, but, rather worrying about worrying about sleeping. So much of the treatment techniques and Buddhist, Taoist and Yoga stuff I read is intellectualised immediately and makes complete sense to me. It's the habitualisation and living these theories that is causing me difficulty.

For example, when I feel an anxiety attack coming on, I can rationalise and see that there is no danger, yet making the anxiety dissipate – even that I know that it's totally irrational – doesn't seem to happen. The same applies to sleep. I miss a night's sleep and spend the whole day feeling self-pity for my fatigued state in tandem with dreading not getting to sleep in the coming night. My GP is trying my on Seroquel, but that doesn't help me sleep, causing me to continually return to Remeron which, while getting me to sleep, doesn't keep me there for more than four hours.

There is a bit of cause and effect at play here. I am trying to live a holistic lifestyle by eating healthy (been vegetarian for two and a half weeks now), exercising, doing Yoga, meditation and the exercises prescribed by my psychologist, and I am taking Paxil and Remeron prescribed by my doctor. In spite of all of this, anxiety, though lessening, is still an issue, and I've had three good nights of sleep in the past six weeks. Perhaps much of the issue is that I am spending so much time dealing with my issues that causes them to predominate my thoughts, ergo the sleeplessness. Perhaps this is the price of consciousness. It's difficult to truly say as my perspective is the only one I have and the only one that I am capable of having. I just know that life is a long journey and, though this is far from the lowest point that I have ever been, now is a difficult time.

In spite of how I am feeling, there is much to inspire me right now. In addition to having the privilege of raising a beautiful daughter and having pages upon pages of things written in my "Thankfulness Journal" (where I write 5 things each day that I am thankful for), I am inspired by my wife and her openness to my Eastern views, getting into Yoga and learning a bit about vegetarian cooking (our friend was showing her how to cook tofu yesterday). My massage therapist and his wife, who are also becoming very good friends, are also a source of inspiration for me in our discussions and talk of starting our own sanghas, amongst other things. Keeping my bearings focused on these things is what keeps me going through trying times.

In closing for today, you might ask what the purpose of my writing this is? For one, it's a type of journaling that assists me with my introspections. Secondly, perhaps one of you who have stumbled upon this piece is being similarly afflicted and can take some comfort in that you are not alone. For example, in this moth's issue of Fit Yoga magazine, there is an article by Bernadette Birney titled "This is Your Brain on Drugs…. And this is your Mind on Yoga" where she elaborates on her struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. When I read these kinds of articles, it's an affirmation that I am not the only one who struggles with anxiety and that it's okay to do so – all part of being human in this hi-tech, high flying 24/7 society where idealisms and reality oftentimes butt heads and we try to stay afloat. Another book that I am reading by Kabir Helminski titled "The Knowing Heart: A Sufi Path of Transformation" outlines how the simple premise of love and cosmic understanding of our place in the big picture. Some of that may sound a bit flakey on the surface, but, upon further exploration, there is much sense to be found in what this book and the Sufi tradition espouse.

Breathe. Be in the moment. Believe.

Namaste.

Week Two of the Newfound Journey


It will be two weeks tomorrow since my commitment to a renewed spiritual self. Over this time, I have maintained a vegetarian diet, been pretty consistent with my Yoga and meditation practice and have been reading various texts ranging from books recommended to me by my psychologist to books on Buddhism and Sufism. Overall, I have noticed an improvement in how I feel and a better sense of psychological clarity. Again, nothing earth shattering, but a pleasant subtle change in my awareness and general sense of joy has become apparent.

Progress aside, sleep, or the inability to sleep, as been my Achilles heel. I have not slept through one night now in over five weeks which has left me feeling a bit run down. Getting to sleep has not been so much the problem, but I am constantly waking through the night. Sometimes the waking will be for five minutes, other times, twenty to thirty. I have been to see my physician about changing my meds (I am on Paxil and remeron for my anxiety/depression). He recently swapped out my Remeron for Seroquil, but the latter does not seem to help at all. Last night was particularly bad. I was utterly exhausted, went to sleep with a guided relaxation meditation CD, but, at some time between midnight and one, I woke up, unable to get to sleep. Frustrated as I was completely exhausted the day previous from being unable to sleep, I took a sleeping pill, my recently discontinued Remeron and a Rivitrol in an effort to get some rest. It worked, but, obviously, I don’t want to depend on an elaborate sedative cocktail to get my kip.

It is frustrating, this battle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I am aware that I am on a journey and this journey must proceed at it’s own pace. I only with there was a better sense of camaraderie in enduring this affliction. I have been through some pretty rigorous things ranging from basic military training in the Navy, countless events in prison (largely the source of my PTSD combined with an abusive upbringing at the hands and tongue of my Mother) and so forth, all which offered some kind of consolation in a band of brothers manner. With GAD and PTSD, one feels very alone, even though, through all the readings and psychologist sessions, you realize that there are multitudes of individuals suffering from the same afflictions.

And so goes this journey. I seek solace in that my panic attacks have all but subsided and that I am feeling like I have gained a better understanding and clarity as it pertains to what is going on inside of me. Perhaps, should the day come when I am beyond these problems manifesting at such a strong magnitude, I will be all the more stronger and can share what I’ve learned with other being affected by similar symptoms. Being mindful and present prevents me from looking too far ahead with wantonness, but my resolve is strengthened in the belief that I have made it through the worst part and, though things are not perfect, that things simply still are.

So, onwards. I am going to a Moksha Yoga class on Saturday with my wife and friend/massage therapist which will be a new experience for me. I’ve always wanted to try “hot” yoga, though the heat does make me a bit nervous.

And speaking of Yoga classes, though not a certified instructor myself, I began teaching Yoga to my special needs students in gym class. It was really cool as some of them came away from it saying “wow” and loved it. A couple are even trying to coerce me to start a Yoga club here at lunch. I must say that I’d love to take a teacher training course in Yoga, but with a price tag up at $2000, it’s a bit beyond my means right now. Shame about that. I’ve also been teaching my 5 year old daughter a bit of yoga, chanting and meditation. It’s a beautiful thing to see and really nice bonding time.

In closing, my intent in all that I have shared here has been simply to share my experiences. Perhaps you can take something away from this, perhaps not. Either way, may your life be filled with love, peace and happiness.

Namaste.