Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Thursday, September 28, 2006


It’s the end of the world as we know it, but I don’t feel fine!



Stating that the world’s gone to hell coming from a neo-atheist such as myself seems almost a hyperbolised comment. But here’s the deal: I’m sitting in today’s staff meeting at the junior high school where I teach, and our principal is giving us the skinny on a group of students who have been suspended. One of these twelve year olds pulled a knife on one other twelve year old Friday and then, on Tuesday, the same offending twelve year old and a couple of his mates attacked the same kid, getting him to the ground and laying in with their feet. Honestly, this whole situation could’ve been lifted from the log book at one of my squad briefings when I worked in a federal maximum security prison! Adding further sensationalism to the scene, there was a shooting in a Montreal college where one victim was killed and twenty other’s wounded before the police killed the shooter, and a similar situation today down in the U.S. as a school!

Every day I see a whole lot of children who come from families who don’t give a damn, and observe them making the transitions from victim to predator, and I know that it is many of the kids that I’m trying to save today that will be attempting to sell drugs to my daughter in 8-9 years time. Man, I grew up in a pretty poor neighbourhood and yet what we had in terms of trouble can’t hold a candle to what’s coming down today in our communities. I don’t know where we should be laying blame – there’s so much to choose from ranging from the deterioration of the family unit because both parents need to work to pay the bills, whether it’s the cult clowns we call celebrities and the crap they espouse, violent video games – certainly these are all factors. I hate to sound like the parents of my generation who blamed crime and suicides on the evil music of Ozzy Osbourne and Iron Maiden, because, examining these artists proves the label false. Jay-Z, G-Unit, etc. is a different story – Ja Rule and his Murder Inc. and all this mythical gangsta shit has far more credence in contributing to the fall of western civilisation.

As a teacher, my heart breaks every day as I see students digging themselves deeper into a hole. Sure, it’s not all doom and gloom, despite the tone of my missive here, but as a parent and someone who believes in the power of youth I am overcome with both melancholy and fear. The whole things is so ugly: the choice of continuously reading and hearing about horrendous acts performed by young folks, or the fear of living under the rules that someone in the political elite deems necessary to have some kind of control. Curfews, censorship and police states aren’t the answer, nor is preaching religion and other propagandist hypocrisies. We do need to take back our communities and our schools and our cities and make them safe. We do need repercussions and a justice system as opposed to the largely legal system we now pay homage to. We need to educate and stop empowering groups by making excuses for how their ancestors were taught or if they came from a shitty family. Essentially, from my experiences in the Correctional Service and through years of travel and social examination, can conclude that we are empowering others to be hooligans, failing to support a cure by providing a crutch to keep people dependent. The problems – the real problems – never really get addressed because we are bound by political correctness or are so far gone that we’ve left our thinking with all the obscure dates we had to learn back in grade school. Crazy when we spend a fortune on armies to help others in distant lands when we have so many problems at home – how many hot lunch or after school programs could a tomahawk missile buy?

I’m also troubled at how many folks have wardrobes made up largely of camouflage these days. Look at a Bass Pro or Cabela’s catalogue at the camo pj’s, drapes and bedding and ask yourself if this isn’t playing a role in how the minds of the next generation are developing? Kids want this shit, but it’s parents who buy it – think about it. I guess that this is the problem: everyone pretty much can breed, but not everyone can raise a family. Myth buster: parents, raising your children is your job! Teachers are there to facilitate cognitive development – we’re life skills and thinking coaches, so you need to do your part and sitting them in front of the television or video games are not the solution to the rest of their waking hours!

It’s the end of the world as we know it, but I don’t feel fine!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Forget Calvin, Listen to Hobbes


I’ve just been listening to a national phone-in programme on CBC Radio with Rex Murphy that is debating Canada’s continued involvement in Afghanistan. One caller stated that, though we, as Canadians, are seen as being pretty laid back, but when we someone else getting kicked around we tend to jump in. I’ve got serious issues with this point of view which seems prevalent amongst my countrymen. I agree that, in a general sense and given the size of our military, Canada does seem to journey down the path of righteousness when it comes to peace keeping and foreign policy pertaining to our military action. I’d also like to state, before I continue this missive, that whatever the decision is – whether I am for or against – I believe that we as a nation must support our troops 100%. We are far from perfect, like any family, but that would never justify us turning our backs.

Let’s leave the topic of Afghanistan and address the notion of our sticking up for the victims of bullies. Our entire way of life is pretty much based upon the exploitation of others – who are we kidding?! Whether it’s the clothes we wear made through child labour in Third World sweatshops through to the inflated cost of a cup of coffee where the farmers don’t receive an equal share, our entire “have culture” is a product of their being “have-nots”. I laugh when I hear Spence Diamond advertising that they travel to some pretty dangerous places to ensure their customers get the best rock for their buck. HELLO?! And why are these places so dangerous? Can you say De Beers anyone! Africa is ripe with war and famine, largely due to colonial exploitation of gold and diamonds. Isn’t it amazing the pieces that fly off through media spin?

So, enter Afghanistan. Yes, the Taliban were awful and there is evidence to support that they allowed some of the terrorist groups connected to Osama Bin Laden train there. Fine, but aren’t there far worse issues that need to be dealt with around the globe? North Korea has millions starving to death and may be going nuclear. The Sudan is a mess. Millions were hacked to death in Rwanda, but nobody was too quick to show up. How about the terrorist groups permitted by Libya or Saudi Arabia to train within their borders?

9/11 changed the way we view the world for certain and was an attack on the North American continent. I remember a few of my mates saying that they supported Canada sending troops into Afghanistan after 9/11, so I posed them the question: if you believe we should be there, then why don’t you join the military and go fight yourself instead of leaving the job to others? I thought that this was a fair enough question, given the history of Canadian volunteers to journey into the two World Wars, Korea, Spain, etc. Again, the failure by the able bodied individuals to take up the call falls back on the comforts that the West has become.

A friend of mine who has done his share of fighting with the French Foreign Legion has made the only truly valid point in having troops in Afghanistan in that you simply have to get your Army bloodied on occasion as peace time exercises simply will not make for battle ready troops. This is a point I can accept, especially as the majority of Canadian Military involvement has been through peacekeeping duties. An army is used for war: both offensive and defensive. Perhaps it is the politically correct climate in which we live that makes us as ignorant of this reality as we are about our propaganda on being international saints (we’ve sold some pretty dodgy Can-du nuclear reactors over the years folks, not to mention not been too sensitive to our environment!). The disbanding of the Airborne Regiment in Somalia is a benchmark to this way of thinking. I was outraged at the disbanding of our Airborne, again, pushing the point that we can not expect a tiger from being that which it is. Further to this, after spending five years in Federal Corrections, I am all too familiar with the politically correct juggernaut.

If I am sounding self-righteous in my rant here, that is not my goal. I am as equally guilty of living off the misfortunes and exploitation of others. My point is that we must acknowledge that, just as a tiger will be a tiger, so too will man be man. We are savages who have groomed our hair and traded crude skins for dyed leather. In Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes states: “Words are wise men’s counters, they do but reckon with them: but they are the money of fools.” Hobbes continues: “Covenants without the sword are but words and no strength to secure man at all.” Perhaps this sounds bleak, but, filtering through our political correct minds, we must see these statements as an accurate portrait of what man truly is. For, as Hobbes concludes: “During the time men live without a common power to keep them all in awe, they are in that condition which is called war; and such a war as is of every man against every man.” Isn’t this the truth? Think of the chaos after Hurricane Katrina, the fall of the Soviet Union, or even Rome. Our modern world is held together with economyan artificial system that greatly affects how everyone lives – the haves and the have nots. When the Army is too thin or too inexperienced to keep the masses under there thumb and people have blinked away from religion and their MTV, we have revolution and chaos where man survives as only their instincts may direct.

We are not perfect but we are ignorant of who and what we truly are.

Friday, September 22, 2006


Wet Passioned Revolution


'Tis a wet and dreary Friday morning, but T.G.I.F. all the same. Sitting here awaiting the morning bell, the Real McKenzies playing in the background as black coffee slowly etches open my eyes. In spite of the grey picture that I am painting, I am very happy to be where I'm at in my life - to once again have a position that fosters passion and creativity. Perhaps it's my inner masochist - killing myself to live - that needs to push myself to extremes in mostly everything that I undertake, but the status quo seems to be too much like death with its never changing rot.

Everyday in the classroom bears a remote similarity to those busy days I spent working as a Correctional Officer at a men's maximum security prison as both were draining. The main difference is that in prison, hope is pretty much non-existent and you hardly give a toss when hardships befell the convicts. School drains you down to your marrow because everything is for and about the students and you are driven to facilitate their success. Harder still is the home-lives several of my students have - this isn't something that they chose, it's just where they landed. In only three weeks on the job I've had Social Services in to investigate.Convicts were somewhat victims of circumstance too, and perhaps the Buddhist in me could have been more compassionate toward them. I suppose the constant concern of assault and death threats contributed to the black facade one had to develop to work in such a place, or the fact that there was rarely an instant of positive interaction. Really, there is no comparision to these two microcosims.

And with that my missive draws to a close...for now. Have a class a future revolutionaries to prepare for! (Afterall, when my students query "Is this for marks" I reply "Everything is for Marx!")

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Rugby


The IRB Women's World Cup finals this past weekend here in Edmonton showcased a whole lot of heart and talent, leaving my thoughts to linger about when I was in my prime and playing club Rugby League in England and my two appearances with the Canadian Rugby League national side. Rugby was such a coming of age for me. If I were to mark two watershed periods in my life, the first affected my intellectual development and that was discovering Albert Camus L'Etranger in grade ten English, and the second affected my physical development which occured with my first touch of that white odd shaped ball of Rugby Union. The beauty of Rugby is its inclusiveness of all body shapes and sizes, the complete team nature of the sport and the wonderful social and sportsmanship dimension of this great game. I would strongly advocate this as a sport for anyone who is able to be reasonaby physically active! I can't wait to start coaching the team here at the juniour high where I am teaching!

So, a massive congrats to all the countries, especially the Canadian lasses who came in fourth, the English girls for a stellar effort in the final and cudos to the Black Ferns of New Zealand who are undefeated since 2001! Awesome!

Friday, September 15, 2006

"The World's a Mess, It's in My Kiss"
- X


Sitting here in my classroom as Friday classes get ready to commence, looking out the window at the miserable weather. Part of the province will be getting snow today and the highs aren’t going up much past zero which is bloody nuts given it was +30c a couple days ago! I have tickets to see the Women’s Rugby World Cup Finals here on Sunday and envisioned knocking back a few jars in the sunshine – never did I anticipate a measly high of +2c forecasted for the day!

It was a busy week, supplemented with a school BBQ last night, my 10th wedding anniversary and our daughter’s 4th birthday. I’m going to have to rely on the German genes within myself to ensure effective planning and organization, otherwise I’m going to grow fat and be overwhelmed. I’ve found my teaching legs rather well, so it’s more a matter of managing volume as opposed to being stumped, though I still cringe at having to teach Mathematics. Oh well, life isn’t much of a journey without some tough slogging, eh?! I’m just glad to be here and out of my old job in the nick.

…That being said, Wednesday’s shooting at a school in Montreal where a young man shot 20 people, killing one before being killed himself by Police, is very disturbing. It truly is a different world from the one I grew up in and shake my head at the denials of the video game industry and the gangsta rappers who deny that they have any influence on the rising trend in youth violence – they are starting to sound a bit like big tobacco in the 1970’s and 1980’s. Certainly other factors are at play and the video game makers and Ja Rule aren’t solely to blame, but come on! I’m not one to advocate censorship willingly, but we really need to start taking a hard look and how freedoms of some to posses certain things impacts the freedom of others to live safely. Perhaps my cynicism is slightly more obtuse this week because my vehicle was broken into and liberated of its contents (though there was nothing of value inside). Then again, perhaps I’m just getting old!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Reflecting on Week One of My New (resumed) Career


Just reflecting on my first full week of Teaching over a wee dram of Glen Breton (a 10 year old scotch and the only single malt made in Canada) before turning out the lights and laying down my head. Of course reflection is a big part of teaching. When one stops reflecting, like any professional, you know that you are becoming habituated and it’s time to hang ‘em up.

As a side note, I forewent this evenings return match of the CFL’s Labour Day Classic football game between my beloved-but-on- the- ropes Edmonton Eskimos and arch rivals, Calgary Stampeders (Edmonton won it apparently with a second remaining), to attend an MFC (our small-time version of the UFC) fight card. It was interesting looking at all the testosterone charged lads with their tats and shaved heads trying to look the part of a tough guy, alongside the overly produced chicks. Of course this is only a portion of the crowd, but so not much my kind of crowd. I’m more at ease with the granola book reading lot, never truly comfortable around jox in spite of my previous Rugby career. I find the sex aspect of sport in general to be an unnecessary and pathetic diversion from what the true passion should be about whether it’s ring girls or cheerleaders at a football game. Bringing this back to teaching, it’s amazing to see how 12 and 13 year old girls are dressing the part, leaving me to wonder about the life that they might lead as some man’s ornament. Some say that sex is power for women, and there is credibility in that. The problem is that most of these girls, in my opinion anyway, don’t understand this power.

I also realise this evening that my heart really isn’t in competing in any pugilistic pursuits. In a nutshell, I’m turning 38 pretty soon and pretty much every joint hurts all the time and I’m always getting niggling injuries to my shoulders in particular. I enjoy my boxing because it’s a lot like running or weight training – I go and do my thing. Sparring will be a fun addition to this. That said, my wrists are constantly aching. In spite of wrapping them well before each session, I do tend to wail the heavy bag with considerable fever. I certainly intend to keep up with boxing, but still I am left searching for something in my life.

One of my teaching colleagues inspired me the other day when he was telling me that a few years ago he a few friends started a band for the hell of it, even though none of them really played any instruments with proficiency. I’m constantly contemplating taking guitar lessons. I have taught myself to play to a degree, but I’m no guru. Music has always been a big part of my life. I sang in a punk rock band, Ick on Fish, back in the early 1980’s and was part of the same scene as the guys in Sloan and Sarah McLaughlin – they were just folks who I hung around with on occasion…who would’ve thunk it, eh? In fact, Brad Conrad, Ick on Fish guitarist, now plays guitar for Matt Mayes and El Torpedo, not to mention our bassist Glenn Coolen who is an accomplished architect and bagpiper. Me, in my youth, could pull off a vocal style that fell somewhere between Joey Shithead of D.O.A. and Henry Rollins. I’m a bit old for that now. Ideally, I think I’d be happiest jamming in a band along the lines of the Pogues, Tossers or Mahones. Sadly, I now live in cowboy country, and, being from Nova Scotia, always tell folks that I’m a Celt, not a cowboy! Nova Scotia go bragh!

Amazing, isn’t it, how my mind digresses from teaching this week into my own learnings and goals? Can you tell that I’m a Social Studies and Language Arts teacher?! Teaching, right. Stay on task….

My first day was rough, my second, easier. Now I feel that I’ve pretty much found my legs and save for administrative duties and the one class that I am teaching in Mathematics, life is very good indeed. I’m developing some very good relationships with my students and see a whole lot of potential in them. It’s been a long but good week and I feel confident that I am where I need to be in terms of my career path. Now let’s hope that I am able to sustain this enthusiasm/momentum so that they renew my contract next Fall! Who knows, by then I might have figured myself out! Alas, I am a living identity crisis!

Cheers!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I'm Up!


What a change a day makes! My psychotic class from hell turned out to be absolutely stellar today offering excellent insight and dialogue, and the other classes that were okay yesterday got even better! Began some map work, building on the concept that "you are here" and building out from there to illustrate the impact of individuals in their community to how it transcends and permeates throughout the globe. Then in my English class I began "King Arthur" with resounding success! Will have them creating "Pull the Sword From the Stone" advertising posters tomorrow. So far one kid is so pumped to play Rugby he can't sit still + two others who Box want to join my club. I also taught my first Math class and wasn't outsmarted by the students! Overall, I'm developing a pretty solid repport and see lots of potential in my students for them to blossom and grow.

So, if I can keep my head above water until the weekend (two more days) and get in to the school for a couple of hours over my days off, then I should be pretty solidly grounded in my game plan with deviations at the ready if need be. I'm lucky to have some truly amazing children in my classes and can't wait to watch them as they discover self-confidence and realise their limitless potential. What an honour to work with the most prescious resource in the world, eh?! Equally, the staff and Principal I work with are amazing and have really helped my find my legs.

My eating has really suffered this week as I've been late getting home and only have the energy to eat cereal. Yesterday I was empty and simply crashed. Today I mustered up the gumption to go to Boxing, but ran out of gas after a little more than an hour. Hope to get better nutrition tomorrow and then head out again to train. I do need it - lots of pent up energy, but it is expended quickly.

So, looks like I'm over most of my major bumps. Now it's a matter of self-preservation and getting results so that they offer to renew my contract next year.

Peace!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Transitioning Through Purgatory With a Postcard from Satan, En Route to Nirvana....
From Prison, Back Into the Classroom and Other Neighbourhood Tales


The past 24 hours causes my mind to drift to that brief epoch in grade 8 when I discovered Satanic Death (Black) Metal. I remember one song in particular by the English band, Venom – I think it was on their “At War With Satan” (the with meaning along side and not contrary to) – titled “AAArgh, Fuck, Kill”. Such is the backdrop to this particular phase of my being.

The first part of my 24 decent made the suppertime news (see link: http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/Edmonton/2006/09/05/1803152-sun.html )
. We have an arsonist in the neighbourhood who has been setting people’s trash cans on fire in the back alley. The individual(s) set a fire, damaging the siding of a garage on the corner of our street which was extinguished. They proceeded to set a second fire in the garbage of the house directly across the street from us. This engulfed their garage. The teenage girl who was in a significant flap told me that her dad was in the back of the house trying to put out the fire because there was a full 100lb propane tank inside. I ran through their house to find the guy (who is a rather ‘large’ and hairy fellow) standing there in his Speedos with a pathetic little hose squirting this completely engulfed building (honestly, it was worthy of a B rated comedy - if I were hyperbolising here I'd have said he was a kitten). I had to physically take him by the scruff of the neck and pull him away. Shortly afterwards, a massive fireball spilled into the sky and literally ate the next-door neighbours garage in a single swoop. Fortunately, the Fire Department contained the blaze to the two structures, though both homes were melted down to the frames. It is so horrible to see someone else’s place go up, not to mention the cause. Needless to say, when the dogs bark at someone in our alleyway, we draw pictures of their descriptions.

…So this leads me to my first day with students…. Have I mentioned “AAAArrgh, Fuck Kill” yet? That was most certainly the inner tune being played by my inner voice. Outer voice was exercising lots of effective uses of silence. In fact, for one of my Social classes, it was an hour of this. I’m glad for my experience at the prison as pre-prison Ed would’ve been bent out of shape by this. Now, though I’m completely spent, I can take it in stride and see that I am making headway. Interestingly enough, it my lower functioning kids that are the most cooperative/enthusiastic. I am haggard as I fall upon theses type keys, but, overall, am really glad to have made the switch from working as a Correctional Officer. It looks like I’ve got out of the gate at a good pace, now it’s a matter of keeping it up until I can find my stride.

So, life plods away with its moments and magic. May the road rise to meet you all as well!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Transition and Opportunity


When my Mother flew out West to spend Christmas with us, she bought along a bottle of Glen Bretonthe only single malt scotch whiskey made in Canada. For those of you unfamiliar with my home province, the Cape Breton Island region of Nova Scotia is very much like Scotland. In fact, up until the 1960’s, Gaelic was the mother tongue of it inhabitants. Even though my descendants are of mainly German- Dutch ancestry, the bit of Scottish and Irish blood in my veins has been dominant in my tastes for single malts, Guinness and Celtic music.

Anyway, I was holding this bottle for a special occasion and, for some reason, elected to crack it tonight. You see, after my initial terror of switching from Corrections back into Teaching, I am once again feeling secure in my chosen profession, am ready to go and feel like I have a whole new world of opportunities before me. Shift work in my previous vocation did not allow me the latitude to pursue many endeavours, thus preventing me from finding one thing in particular to which I might dedicate myself with regularity. Now, I find myself faced with the arduous task of selecting from a vast array.

First and foremost, I am teaching full time. With this I have volunteered to take charge of the guitar club at my school, coach boys Rugby and help out with the fitness club. Running parallel to my professional life comes my family commitments with my four year old daughter and wife of ten years. After all of this comes the “me time”. I compose a large amount of my free time reading which, I suppose, is also professional development in that I tend to read a lot in my teaching areas: Language Arts and Social Studies. I also play guitar, but have never been in a position to take this anywhere beyond teaching myself basic chords, etc. My ability to read music is limited, but I have some aspiration to learn classical guitar if I could find the money for lessons and time for practise. Then there is my fairly rigorous fitness regime to supplement Boxing. One of my goals in the pugilistic pursuit has been to compete, but, as I near 40 and have a body that is really beginning to feel the many years of contact sports that it has been subjected to, I wonder how realistic this may be.

So, judging from what is on my plate at present, you can see that time is a precious commodity in my life. Still, there are so many things that I’d like to do: Rock Climbing, painting, music lessons, learn to Tango, study Chess, play Gaelic Football, wine making, archery – the list is endless. There is a deep fear that resides within as I face the reality of getting older (as in the realisation with Boxing or the countless plans to make a Rugby come-back), tempered with the notion that I must select things that may have continuity into an feasibly active old age. I am fortunate that I can pursue many of these things as a coach and facilitator for my daughter and students, which will offer me sufficient satisfaction as I love to be a part of another’s blossoming. Nothing would make me happier than to see my students going on to derive similar pleasures that I found playing Rugby, or to see my daughter become a great dance or musician.

We often see someone drop a “carpe diem” here or there, but do we ever truly understand the gravity of this statement. “Seize the day”. How many of us do not? As I near 40, I realise how short life is and I am no longer completely oblivious to the facts of getting older. My knees, hips, ankles and shoulders are showing their wear from an active life. Every trip to a bookstore or library serve as grim reminders of all the wonderful things there are out there to read, but that one will never get around to reading. Likewise, every activity one might spy or foreign destination. We must be very serious in selecting our priorities in life. Nothing should supersede family and personal development/ experience: the former is an obligation, the latter is what life is truly about. Live, love, laugh – be passionate. So many of us are blinded by career advancements and material possession. In the words of Sartre,man is condemned to be free.” One day, all will be dust and nothing will have mattered. Therefore, for no other reason, carpe diem!